The experience of a common man with "The Indian Face of Global Banking"

"The Indian Face of Global Banking".
That's the motto of ICICI Bank. I am a hapless Indian stuck with a lot of accounts with that bank and I don't think I can handle so much Global Banking.
It all started when I came to Singapore (It usually does these days...)
I was living in Bangalore previously and maintained a "Resident Savings Account" with ICICI. When I came to Singapore I technically became an NRI and to keep my account running to pay EMIs etc, I had to convert it into an NRI account.
Now began the problem.
I called up the phone banking service. All the calls were attended promptly by young sounding voices which quickly took on an American accent as soon as I informed them that I was calling from Singapore.
I called up thrice to double-check what forms I had to fill to do the necessary conversion. They all said the same thing: Fill a simple form, attach a few documents, send it along and the conversion will happen in two weeks.
I did the needful.
Two weeks after sending the forms along, I received a very nice email saying that now I have fill another five page long form and also write a letter requesting the de-linking of my investment account.
I wrote a stinging reply pointing out that I had called up the phone-banking service and they never mentioned any five page long form.
The same chap replied on the following lines:
Sir, We are sorry for the inconvenience caused. Please fill the form given in the following link (which turned out to be a dead one). Alternatively you can download the attached form and send it to us.
Closer inspection of the attached form revealed that it actually was a form spelling out who I wanted my money to go to in the event of my death!!!!
Was that ICICI Bank officer trying to send me a message? (You better update your nomination! You might need it if you come to India!)
I replied in an even more stinging language to this gentleman. In reply another lady wrote back with a plausible looking form attached.
While I sat at my desk and stared at this form (Its five pages and I don't want to fill it), another nice gentleman from ICICI called. He wanted me to take a premium NRI account. When I told him the above story and also what he could do with that offer, he replied, "Sir, RBI rules require you to open this premium account also".
Now I lost it.
I told him in no uncertain terms of all the different versions of the rules and regulations I have been hearing from different officers in different departments of ICICI Bank. I also told him that if according to rules I have to open that premium account, I would like the process stopped and I would begin the process of closing my accounts fort-with. He put me on hold and came back fifteen minutes later (while I listened to some ICICI Bank jingle again and again) and went back on his earlier claim about the rules requiring me to open that premium account.
One funny portion of the conversation went like this:

Me: Your phone banking executive told me that I will only need to fill a one-page form. Now you are telling me that the process requires me to fill a five-page form.
He: Sir its possible that the process might have changed.
Me: So what's the guarantee that it will not change again while I fill this form?
He: Sir, processes don't change!
Me: (Sometime later) You told me that RBI rules require me to open an NRE account, now you are saying something different when I wanted to close the account.
He: Sir, this account has a lot of benefits, you get tax-free returns, you can send a lovely gift to your loved ones, you don't need a minimum balance, it can give you a blow-job....blah .... blah...

Whew! I will fill this form and humour these guys, but if they create any more problems, I am closing my accounts. I wish there were some way of talking to the top bosses of that bank and show them what their organization does....